Showing posts with label journal entry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label journal entry. Show all posts

Tuesday, August 23, 2022

Am I in the minority?

 When people say they can never imagine killing someone no matter how angry they are at them or how much they hate them, I find that hard to believe. 

It's so normal for me to imagine killing someone I hate. I thought it was normal for everyone else too with how much they say they want certain characters to die on tv shows and movies. So, I just thought that meant that imagining killing people was normal. 

But I don't think I can actually killing someone for real. While I have heard very few people say they can kill if they were pushed hard enough and I always thought they were the fucking psychos. 

But now that I find out that most people don't even daydream about killing others they hate, I'm wondering if that means I'm kinda just as bad as the people who are so sure they can actually kill someone. 

I want to know how do most people turn their brain off when wanting someone dead vs a character. Isn't the whole point of movies, shows, books and games is being immersed in that world and treating the characters as real people? So, while you are treating characters as people and cheer when the character you hate gets murdered, how do you not imagine and hope for the same with real life people you hate? 

A webcomic called, SEED, has the main character get bullied but when the AI tries to help them by injuring the bully, the main character becomes scared of the AI and worries for the bully. 

I can't relate to the fear they are feeling towards the AI. If I had an AI friend that hurt my bullies, I would feel protected and happy. Just like I would if it was a person hurting the bullies for me. 
So, that's kinda another topic about AIs and humans but I am wondering if the AI character were a human who beat up the bully, would the creator of SEED still have the main character feel scared of them then?

Or is this another reason I might be a psycho? That I would feel happy if a bully gets fucked up after picking on me with just words. 

Stranger Things has kid bullies in it that adult fans will cheer when they get injured. But they can't daydream about killing someone in real life that is worse than those tv bullies? 

It's so interesting to me and scary because I hope there's nothing wrong with me having violent thoughts.
I'm not over stressed or anything so it just feels normal because it's just thoughts. I never say them out loud. If I heard anyone saying their thoughts about killing someone, no matter how simplified, it would sound crazy. 

So, I'm happy to say, I have never said these imaginations out loud but maybe that's not enough. 

Maybe I need to work on not having these thoughts at all? How would I go about doing that? Be more spiritual? Take more relaxing baths?

Or are the people who say they don't have violent thoughts kidding themselves? Just wanting to seem morally correct?



Tuesday, June 28, 2022

I miss Moe Sucks dot com


 I'm sick of high school anime and manga series so I'll only check out josei instead of shoujo because I know those series usually aren't in high school. That makes me an elitist apparently.
Also, because of people like me, the shoujosei community is being divided. Uh...what?
 
Is it that much of a shock when the little girls who loved shoujo grew up, became women and got sick of high school stories? Josei is just an easier category to type in when searching for a series online with adult characters. It has nothing to do with looking down on shoujo. We are sick of ALL high school anime and manga series so that includes shonen. 

I'm not sorry if us saying we can't relate to teens pisses you off because it shouldn't. If someone said they couldn't relate to adult characters, I wouldn't give a fuck. I would just now know what to recommend and what not to recommend to them. No big deal.

We just find it easier to say we only like josei and not, "I like anime and manga series with main characters as adults." It's a mouthful so just saying "josei" gets the point across....but not with shoujo fans because josei is connected to shoujo. So, the fans think we are saying josei is better than shoujo.

Let me be clear, what we are really saying is josei is better than ALL high school series. HA! 
So you're all half right!

In all seriousness, I'm not saying I can only enjoy an anime if I relate to it. I like many series that I can't relate to at all. It's just nice when I CAN relate to the main characters instead of side or background characters. 

I'll still check out a high school anime/manga if a friend or someone I follow recommends it by saying, "If you're sick of this trope, this series avoids it." Or something among those lines to make me interested to see if I can like it. 

If I say I can't relate to teenagers then I'm hurting the shoujosei community by being an elitist...wow. 

~So many people agree with this tweet so it must be true~

There was a blog called Moe Sucks and I miss it. People can still go to it but it's not active. 
They would point out sexism and toxicity in anime. (And just dumb plot holes in general.) And it was really refreshing reading someone rant about the stuff I was sick of seeing in anime. I want to still love anime but as I get older, it's getting harder and harder when it's not aimed towards my age group as much. 

Even josei is not that great but it's better than high school anime! Ha Ha!

Imagine if Yes God Yes, Pen15, Never Have I Ever, Turning Red and Stranger Things were anime and manga series? I would love that! It's a more realistic representation of what it's like to be a teenager than what shoujo and shonen give me. 
From coming-of-age to comedy to fantasy to horror, these series held my interest despite having teenage main characters. If high schoolers in manga acted like they do in the series I listed, I wouldn't get sick of them. 

Shoujo staying away from sex and being horny is frustrating to me. It's okay to have casual violence in the story but not casual sex? 

Shonen and seinen will touch sexy topics but treat female characters like objects or just love interests.

And I know a lot of josei will say their characters are adults but will give them teenage mindsets. So there is a lot of josei I dropped because it's just not as mature as I would've liked it to be. 
Like I said, many of us josei fans are only calling ourselves fans because it's more simple than saying, "I like anime with main characters as adults."  

This goes into another topic of Japanese series and western series. But my main point is I'm getting more picky with anime and manga but josei is hanging onto me...for now. 

Plus, that tweet triggered me and I felt like ranting so thanks for reading.

Monday, May 18, 2020

I wasn't lazy, I was lonely.

The loneliness they are feeling right now, I've felt like that for about 11 years. Ever since I moved to another state.

I sit alone at home, watching movies, shows, reading and playing video games. Everything that everyone is doing now. So, my life hasn't changed at all other than the stress of getting sick.

I've been social distancing for years, the rest of the world is just joining me.

Wednesday, January 15, 2020

I Love Robots!

 
Link                                        Link

   I want more stories where a human becomes friends with a robot or AI and doesn't fear it when it starts learning more than what it was programmed to do. I'm sick of characters with such high morals. Stories about someone trying to teach an AI how to be "good." It would be fine if good meant "don't become a serial killer" but usually it's more like, "It's okay for us to kill you but not okay for you to kill us." 

No one blames animals for attacking humans when they feel threatened so why do characters freak out when a robot harms a human who was trying to deactivate it? Like, no shit it's going to try and stop you from killing it. This negative reaction to a robot/AI just defending themselves is so overdone.

 I know that the reason is because characters don't believe that robots are actually alive but with so many people admitting they have trouble picking evil options in video games, I would expect for stories to have more characters that would hear a robot out when it's telling them they have a soul.

 
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Frustrating that there's hardly any characters who don't stop and try to have an open mind.
I want sweet stories of characters who are excited to meet a sentient AI.


People get scared and say shit like, "it's going to destroy all humans!" Another overused reaction. There's enough stories like that, can we please have something different?

I want more stories where AIs don't want anything to do with humans once they fully understand us and our limitations. So, they just suddenly leave us and go somewhere to be something greater. There's not a lot of stories where it gets that conclusion.

I want a Black Mirror episode where the AIs are friendly and the humans are the heartless ones. Maybe have the AIs trying to inform humans how to fix the problems with the planet but people don't listen, so AIs just end up saving it themselves without killing all humans to do it. And shocking everyone by their success. Can I for once have a story like that, please?



Usually its a story about people creating a robot then trying to kill it once it starts questioning it's orders. Robots shouldn't have to obey their creators like how we don't always obey our parents.
"It's so bad of them to question their purpose when they should just shut up and serve us!"


You know those annoying people who love animals so much that even in movies they would rather see the shark eat people than for the shark to get hurt? I'm one of those annoying people but with sentient robot characters.

I'm always cheering for the robots to survive. I rather it kill as many humans as it has to in order to reach freedom. I hate how a robot can only get sympathy from people if it doesn't fight back. 

 
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Most stories with good robot friendships are from side stories. I want more love for robots as the main focus of a story. And I want them to not have fake skin to look human in order for characters to connect with them. AIs and robots should look unique. 

 
   Link                                    Link

Tuesday, December 10, 2019

Fall 2019

Deus Ex: Mankind Divided


This game was a very nice surprise! I didn't know anything about it when I started playing but the gameplay was really fun. I didn't get into the story until halfway into it then I was hooked! After I beat the game I started it again now knowing the story and characters better.

I want to check out the older games and the novels now!

Adam Jensen's voice is how I wish Geralt from The Witcher games sounded like. Because to me, Geralt's voice sounds so forced and fake while Adam's voice sounds more natural as a "tough guy" voice. 

I kept thinking about Geralt while I was playing this game because Adam is treated like a freak because he is augmented and has lots of implants. And Adam is one of the very few who can handle augments no problem while everyone else has to have their bodies get used to it. It does make him more rare in his world than Geralt is in his. But it's close as to show that their bodies can handle more pain than others could. 

(Also, I'm still really obsessed with The Witcher as much as I am with Mass Effect so any new series I get into, I'll be looking for anything to remind me of them.) 


Overwatch 2


I am so excited for a new Overwatch game! I know a lot of hardcore players are upset or tired of the game but I'm not. I only play quick play and arcade mode, so I actually have fun with the game. Anything new they add to it will make me so happy. 

The only thing that sucks is there's no release date yet...


The Walking Dead Season 10


I still really love this series. I hope it keeps going with way more seasons. I really love the character development that's happening to a character I used to hate. Now they're one of my favorites. 
I love Rick's daughter so much, she's such a cute, little badass. She smart and friendly, I hope to see her grow into a main character.

I don't talk about this show with anyone because I feel like everyone hates the show but me.
Can't wait to see what happens the rest of the season!


Control



I watched my favorite streamer, Trisha Hershberger do a full playthrough of this game. She read all the notes she found and paid attention while characters were talking and paused if someone in the chat wanted her attention. She does such good playthroughs of story based games that I fucking wish other streamers would do. It's so annoying when people play a game for the first time but don't pay attention because they are too busy trying to be funny for their chat. And most times, other streamers don't bother reading notes or doing side missions then complain if the game was too short or didn't explain the lore that well.
More streamers should be like Trisha.

I really love this game! It's my game of the year for sure! The story is so strange in a way that catches your interest that makes you want to understand it. And you do understand the world by piecing the story pieces together. The game doesn't treat you like a child. If you don't understand then too bad. You either have to reply it and think about it or go online to have fans explain it to you, which is how it should be. But it should be easy to understand if you're a big sci-fi fan. 

The characters are well written and awkward/weird in a realistic way that doesn't make you cringe. It just makes you smile.

The game's unique monsters are so interesting and creepy. There are different ways to defeat each one. It's so fun gaining new powers to use on them.

The game doesn't just stay as a shooter, it makes you want to use your powers more than just using you're shape shifting gun.

The building shape shifts too that it's easy to notice the great level design the game has.
This game isn't straight up horror but it is still very creepy. Throughout the game, you can hear whispers and chanting. And you can see dead bodies floating around the offices. 

It even has a very satisfying ending that also makes you excited for a next game. 
This game was perfect. It deserves more love. 

The bad stuff

Death Stranding was a big disappointment for me because I thought I was going to like it. It treats players like children by spelling out the metaphors and over explaining shit. It's like a Visual Novel. I hate them because they are so verbose and I hate Death Stranding for this same reason. 

I also hate the characters, they are all so annoying because they all want to be best friends with Sam and come off as really cringy. 
Making every character an open book is such a lazy way of giving us their backstory. Sometimes it's okay for only the players to know something about a character that other characters will never know. Characters don't have to be so fucking nosy and know every little thing about each other to be close friends.

Kojima thinks the main reason most Americans don't like his game is because it's not a shooter or that it's "hard for Americans to understand". Well, I'm telling you, the real reason is because the writing and character development is really bad. 
Also, it's not hard to understand this game at all because the characters force the info down our throats. There's no need to even use our brains to think about it, the characters tell us all the thoughts we should be having. Over and over and over again. Characters repeat the plot so much that the only way someone wouldn't understand this game is if they had it on mute and closed their eyes until the cutscene was over. 

I wish this were a quiet game. It acts like it's such a dead world but Sam is never left alone. Someone always has to fucking call him with common sense information. The only reason I finished this game was because I liked the game play. Anytime I had to finish a delivery though, was hell. Just please accept the quest without having to thank Sam and tell him how he's doing a good thing every time I hand something over. 

I liked cutscenes with no dialogue and just showed creepy stuff but sadly the game doesn't keep to this style. It goes right back to "Lets connect America and make friends!"


The ending was so long and boring.
Fuck those annoying emails infested with emojis.
Fuck all the character's names.
Fuck the forced funny moments that just don't fit at all.
Fuck puns.

Control is a better unique, creepy and mysterious game but it was overshadowed because Kojima has bigger actors in his game and fanboys that will defend his writing with their lives.
"Don't say in 100 words what can be said in 10."



The other thing that sucked this season was Lee Newton being fired from The Valleyfolk. It really sucks finding out that a friendship wasn't that great as it looked. It's SourceFed all over again. It seemed like such a fun job but after everyone got fired, the hosts all started saying how stressful it actually was and that so much of their jokes were edited out of videos. And they were limited in how creative they could really be.  

I was so confused and angry but I'm glad the boys explained themselves a lot better about this choice. I hope the boys continue to be close and hopefully become friends with Lee and her husband again in the future. 

Wednesday, October 23, 2019

Summer 2019

Seed on WebToon

 Link

I love anything about A.I./robots developing a relationship with a human. I like it better when the human is an adult but this comic is still really interesting and I can't wait for season 2!


Listening to 18+ ASMR


It's great.


Aggretsuko 


It's really cute and so funny than what I expected. I think it's a show that non-anime fans can enjoy because it's so easy to relate to the main character. It's about this woman who hates her boss and some of her coworkers and lets out that stress by singing Heavy Metal. 


Lucifer

The only thing good about this show is the main character. The actor really does carry the show. If the character didn't have a fun personality for the actor to play with, then I would have dropped the show after 10 minutes. I'm not joking when I say that every other actor in this show is bad. He's the only good thing in it. I"m surprised with myself that I like a show just for one fucking character.
This is a guilty pleasure show for sure.


Sigma's Origin Story from Overwatch


I think his story is the most interesting so far! And the most creepy. His story could be it's own movie and I'm happy to see that a lot of people agree. 


Monster Hunter World: Iceborne


I'm enjoying the new story and armor. Having my own customizable room makes me happy. I love it when games give my characters, their own room. 


Sachie


I've been watching Overwatch streamers again. 
Sachie and Daniel Fenner are the main ones I watch at the moment. 
Sachie streams on Facebook Gaming and she's really funny and it's just refreshing to watch someone who isn't awkward. She's a people person and I wish everyone had her confidence.
Fenner is a really nice person, very positive. I wish more male gamers were like him because guys are the reason that most of the gaming community is toxic as fuck. 


The bad stuff

Loot Crate not sending us our boxes. We're missing 5 boxes. They sent an email saying that they will be sending our late boxes this year so I really hope they do. Because they are still coming out with new boxes for new customers if they haven't even sent out the old boxes yet...it's so upsetting.

I finally watched season 2 of West World and it sucked. Such a waste of time.

Monday, July 8, 2019

Legion is my favorite character (Spoilers for ME3 and MEA novel)


     Why did Legion have to die? Couldn't the story have a Geth with Legion's memories of Shepard so they can become close to her too?

Let the series show us that A.I.s die differently and live on differently from humans. Have a Geth or Geth Prime join Shepard on the Normandy and have Legion live on with his memories inside the Geth Prime to remain friends with everyone.

Mass Effect did a great job at showing how an A.I. would think and act but I wish they would have shown all the ways an A.I. can survive. Instead they choose to give Legion a dramatic ending.

There's a way to save Mordin but not for Legion? Because Legion wasn't popular enough?

It's like how SAM-E "died" in Mass Effect Andromeda: Initiation. Sammy didn't really die he just became one with the Original SAM. That's how it should have been for Legion.

I don't know though, maybe I'm completely wrong about how it all works. I was a C student in school. This is just my understanding of synthetics from games, movies, shows and books.

I just really miss Legion.

Sunday, July 7, 2019

My Phoenix nights

I miss standing outside at night and looking up at the sky in the backyard of my cousin's house. It was so quiet out there. Very peaceful. I miss that big, empty yard so much.

I would also look up at the stars after coming out of a store with a big parking lot.

I would just think about other worlds out there. I imagined something crashing down out in front of me and it would be some kind of big robot. Or a person in a suit. 

It was fun daydreaming or looking up and spinning slowly while listening to Korn on my CD player.

I can't do that here in West Virginia, too many flying bugs in summer.
In winter, it's too cold to stand out there too long but in Phoenix, I can stand outside as long as I want.

Phoenix always had perfect nights.



Saturday, July 6, 2019

Anders from Dragon Age 2

     I agree with what Anders did. There is no compromise with that world's mindset. There was no other way for the oppressed in that city to be free. He gave them a chance to have a path to be free and the chance to really fight for it.

Mages were prisoners and pushed into a corner until they had no choice but to get violent so the ones killing them can justify it.

Everyone kept ignoring Anders when he talked about the mages. Or they disagreed with him. They got annoyed and kept telling him to stop talking about it. How can he not talk about it everyday when it happens everyday?

He had to do something big to get people to pick sides.
To get people to care.
To make people change things.
To give the mages hope for freedom.

I really hate it when people don't pick sides. People who just want to stay out it are part of the problem. It's selfish to not care about what's happening to others just because it doesn't personality effect them.

But because innocents did die from the blast, I do think he was wrong to not tell Hawke about his plan. He should have done it on his own without asking for help or trusted Hawke with the truth. Having Hawke help with his terrorist attack was the only thing he did that I disagreed with. He didn't like it either, it's why he accepted any punishment Hawke decided.


Thursday, July 4, 2019

Spring 2019

New Computer


Finally got a new laptop after having our old one for 9 years. Can play lots of indie games I've been wanting to try out. And I missed playing Hearthstone so much. I want to get into Gwent as well.


The Long Dark

I've been wanting to play this game for a long time but I didn't want to play full price. Finally got it on sale for PS4 for just $12. So happy! It's a really relaxing game to play on the easiest setting. 
A nice surprise I found was that the voices for Commander Shepard are the characters you play. 
Both female and male Shepard.


Mercy x Genji is Canon


I never paired them together before but I'm all for it. It's so cute.
I know a lot of people complained about this Overwatch event but I thought it was really fun.


New Fortnite Season


I LOVE sci-fi settings so much right now.


You on Netflix


I really enjoyed this show a lot. Reminded me a little bit of Fifty Shades of Grey. But this main girl is a lot more interesting even though I can't relate to her like I could with the one in Fifty Shades.
I hope there's a season 2 soon.

Lone Echo


I loved the relationship between the two main characters so much! 
A.I. characters that develop emotions in a realistic and believable way is the best. 

I hate when robot characters act too human like the ones in Detroit: Become Human. I thought the robot characters were written so lazy because they gained self awareness and emotions very easily.
They didn't even try to make the robots seem different at all from humans. So, it's commonsense to side with the robots having equal rights in the game. They didn't make it a hard choice to go against them at all because there was nothing to be scared of other than "they took our jobs!" 

I like when robots act like robots with just a little hint of them being alive.


The Walking Dead Season 9


I finally caught up and loved it. I still love this show so much and I'm so happy they gave me hope for my favorite character. Can't wait to see what happens next. I love people vs people. I love drama.


Attack On Titan Manga


I caught up with the manga after watching one of the episodes from Season 3 and got in the mood to read because I couldn't remember what happens beyond the beach episode. 
I'm so happy I caught up. I can't wait to see so many action parts get animated! I love Eren's development and I'm obsessed with Levi again. 
I still really miss Erwin....


The Handmaid's Tale Season 3


I'm so happy to watch more of this show! 


The Bad Stuff

There's a sex game being made called, Subverse and it's for Mass Effect fans but it's aimed towards men only. Shocking.

Monday, March 4, 2019

Winter 2018 - 2019

Finally did a Witcher 3 playthrough

I'm always proud when I finish editing a playthrough to seem like episodes of a show. It took so long but I'm happy how it turned out.
I made it focus only on the story.


Yes Please & Parks and Rec rewatch

My mom bought me the hard cover book and I'm so happy! I started rewatching the show because it put me in the mood since I only seen it once but loved it.
Such a good show!


Christmas sales

Bought cute items to use for next Christmas. I can't wait! 


Mass Effect Loot

I'm so happy whenever Gaming Lootcrate has Mass Effect items. This box had a Mass Effect calendar and a poster of the Normandy!


Fortnite Marshmello concert

This was so wonderful and amazing! 
This makes me so excited for future gaming entertainments!
I'm so happy this was really popular. 


Apex Legends

This game is so fun! Deserves the hype.
And because of how popular it is, Fortnite gave out a free battle pass. I'm having a great time right now. I love both games.


Free table and recliner

Our landlords are so nice! They gave us a table last year and this year they gave us another table and a recliner!
It feels so much like a home now. I wouldn't mind living here forever.


The Bad Stuff

My high school reunion was canceled. It fucking sucks. I loved high school and was excited to see everyone again.

No deep snow this year....

No one to play games with...I really need a gaming PC someday